Dear Mulder
by danafuchs
Summary: Mulder and Scully deal with their emotions after she left the hospital after Season 4 Ep. Elegy
1. Guilt

Title: Dear Mulder

Author: DanaFuchs ()

Rating: K+

Spoilers: Elegy, Memento Mori

Keywords: Post Episode, Mulder Scully Romance.

Archive: Yes. But let me know where, please and keep my header and E-mail attached!

Feedback: very much desired!

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine... They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and Fox. I'm not making any money with this and I'm not making any money any other way, so don't sue me, please... But you can always send Mulder over to punish me^^

Summary: Mulder and Scully deal with their emotions after she left the hospital after Season 4 Ep. Elegy

Author's Notes: Another short piece concentrating on the feelings of our heroes. I know, that there are much more fics dealing with this topic out there, but the idea has been going through my mind a lot lately, begging to be written. I hope you will enjoy reading! Let me know what you think!

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Dear Mulder

Sighing, I lean back against the wall of the hospital hallway. I'm a total asshole, and I know it.

"I'm going home, Mulder." Her last words keep replaying in my head. The hurt in her voice seems to increase every time.

I sigh again and let myself sink down to the floor, wishing it would open underneath me and swallow me - just like the pain must be swallowing her.

I keep asking myself why I did what I did, said what I said. Being a psychologist I know why I did it, of course. Although I keep telling myself and her, that I would never hurt her intentionally, I just did. I hurt her.

I just wanted her to react. To show me, that she isn't dead already.

I remember holding her in a hospital hallway much like the one I'm sitting in right now not so long ago. How could I ever forget how good it felt to wrap my arms around her tiny frame, shielding her from all the evil in the world?

I hoped that she would allow me to hold her like that more often, that she would finally accept the comfort I was constantly offering her.

Instead she withdrew from me. In fact she never said anything about it again. It. We didn't even name the demon growing inside her. I wonder if she has any idea how much that hurts me.

I only want to be there for her. I feel so helpless. I feel guilty, too.

Scully said that it isn't my fault, that it wasn't me who planted that deadly parasite in her body, that it was *them* - and that it was her choice to stay with me. Intellectually, I know that she is right, that it wouldn't have mattered if I had done anything differently.

Emotionally, I'm drowning in guilt and self-hatred. I need to be there for her. For myself at least as much as for her - maybe even more. I need to be needed. It's the only thing that helps me keep the guilt at bay.

My nightmares are returning. Only that it's not Samantha anymore that is taken from me. It's Scully.

Sometimes she is taken by a dark figure which I can't recognize.

Sometimes she just walks away and leaves me alone with my guilt. My weapon has never looked as good to me as in those surreal hours of sleeplessness.

I actually put the gun to my head three times. But every time I closed my eyes to take one last deep breath the picture of me holding Scully in the hospital hallway appeared in front of my mind's eye and a small voice in my head kept telling me, that I couldn't leave now, that she needed me.

The thought of what will become of me when she is gone sends a shiver down my spine. I just can't sit here like this and wait for it to happen.

I have to do something. God knows I would do anything to save her.

But does she know? Does she realize how much I need her with me, that I'm lost without her?

She is the only true friend I have, the only one I trust, the only one who has ever made me. Not being able to help her makes me feel worthless again.

Have you ever told her that? My inner voice asks. No I haven't, but I should, I realize while getting up and walking out into the night.


	2. Temptation

She isn't answering. I've knocked twice now, but she doesn't answer.

Hesitantly, I knock again. No answer.

"Scully, it's me. I need to talk to you, please open the door!" I call. My voice sounded urgent and hurt even to my own ears, but she still doesn't answer. Worry pushes its way into my brain.

What if something happened to her?

Images of Scully lying unconsciously on the floor of her living room flood my brain. I feel panic rising up.

"Scully?" I call again, fear evident in my voice.

No answer.

My right hand wanders into my pocket on its own will and reappears holding a small shiny object. Her keys.

I remember the day we exchanged them. It stunned me that she trusted me that much. I haven't made use of the key much, I realize, as I open the door and let myself into the darkened apartment.

Even though I own a key I feel like an intruder, standing in her hallway and closing the door behind me.

I call out to her again but she isn't responding.

She isn't home. She should have been home an hour ago! Worry invades my mind again. Where is she? I know that she is probably somewhere safe. Maybe she drove to her Mom's, or maybe she's just driving around, clearing her head.

Maybe she needs to move in order to escape her demons for a while - god knows I do sometimes.

Somehow I'm sure, that she is alright. I believe that I could sense it when something happened to her. It's almost like I could feel her as a part of myself. How could I not notice when the most important part of me was being ripped out?

Slowly I walk into her living room, considering what to do while sitting down on her couch. Maybe I should just go home and call her later? No, the phone won't do. I have to talk to her in person. I decide to wait and turn on the light on the small table beside the couch.

Leaning back, I sigh and close my eyes. Suddenly it dawns on me, that a lot depends on the way this conversation goes. What if she just doesn't want me to be there for her? What if she has decided to leave me and spend her last days in peace, with her family and the few friends that didn't turn away from her because of her job, because of me?

I have to force myself not to think about that. I'm not sure I would be able to resist the tempting gun if I knew for certain that she *doesn't* need me.

After taking a deep breath, I open my eyes again, taking in my surroundings for the first time.

I've been here many times but I never took the time to look at Scully's apartment. For the first time I realize how nicely everything is decorated. How everything has its place. I smile involuntarily, imagining Scully's reaction if anyone dared to move anything. She'd go ballistic.

A leather-bound book catches my eye as I look down at the table. I recognize it immediately.

Scully's journal. The same one I found at the hospital back in Pennsylvania. Just like I did then, I find myself picking it up carefully and slowly running my fingers over the smooth surface.

She'd told me she wanted to throw it away. Obviously she hadn't. Maybe she never intended to and only told me so that I would stop asking her about it.

I put it back down, only to pick it up again after a few seconds. The temptation is overwhelming. Suddenly I realize what I'm holding in my hands. Scully's innermost feeling, her secrets, her fears. Everything she has been withholding from me.

Scully would probably kill me if she caught me reading her journal *again*. I'm still not sure why she didn't say anything about it the last time. Maybe she was just too tired to argue with me, both emotionally and physically.

Carefully I open the journal and skip through the pages. I stop at the part I had read in the hospital and re-read it. A lump forms in my throat and I can feel hot tears welling up as I remember how close I've been to losing her forever.

Blinking back tears, I turn the page. There is only one new entry. I know I shouldn't do this, but my eyes are drawn to Scully's neat handwriting on the page in front of me.

It's like her words beg me to read them. In fact, they do. The entry is addressed to me.

"Dear Mulder" it begins. So she obviously wants to share all these things with me. It hurts to see that she feels she can't tell me, but still it's eerily comforting to know that she wants to share her fears with me - even if it's only unconsciously.

I sigh and begin to read.


	3. Dear Mulder

Dear Mulder,

I know I've told you that I would throw this away, and I tried to but in the end I couldn't do it.

There are so many things that I want to tell you, so many things that I need you to know about me. However I can't tell you these things in person. Even though I know that you won't think any less of me if I was to show you my weakness, I am still too afraid to share my thoughts and feelings with you. At the same time I know that you are the only person I will ever be able to share them with.

I hope you will get to read this one day and forgive me for not telling you in person how much I have come to depend on you and your strength. I am certain, that I could not carry on without you by my side.

After Penny's death I could feel the hope leaving me, even though I had promised her not to give up. I felt cold and empty, lost and unbelievably scared. But when you held me in that hospital hallway I felt your strength urging me on. I felt safe in that moment and somehow I knew that I would be able to defeat this disease.

Sometimes all of this scares me so much that all I want to do is let myself fall into your arms again. I know that you would catch me, and hold me like that again.

I hope that one day you will understand why I have never told you how much you really mean to me, and how much I need you. It is a feeling so intense that it scares me sometimes.

I think that I have now come to understand why you have ditched me so often.

Even though I am aware, that I am hurting you by shutting you out, I cannot allow you to give your strength to me, as you have done in that dark hour of despair and hopelessness. However I fear that you would give so much of your strength to me, that there won't be enough of it left for you to carry on after I am gone.

I haven't given up hope yet, and I am certain that neither have you. But the more time passes without a new trace, the more I find myself thinking about the dark turns that my future may take.

The only thing bringing me back from the darkness that threatens to swallow me in those moments is you. Sometimes it is not my hope that helps me to carry on - it is yours.

Words cannot express how grateful I am for your support.

I wish I could allow myself to accept the comfort you offer me, but I am afraid of losing the last remains of control that I have left.

The only thing I can control at this moment of my life is my work and I hope that I will be able to continue it working with you.

I know you would not think any less of me as an agent or as a person but I fear that I would not be able to maintain my professional persona around you if I was to let you into those darks parts of my soul.

I hope that one day I will be able to tell you those things. And that you will forgive me if I can't.


	4. Relief

I have some trouble reading the last part, because of the tears blurring my vision. Carefully I close the journal and put it back down on the table, closing my eyes in the process.

The sound of the front door forces me to lift my head and I open my eyes just in time so see Scully closing the door with trembling hands.

I open my mouth to say something, but as I can't think of anything to say I just stare at her. Her gaze keeps darting back and forth between her journal and me, but she hasn't looked me in the eyes yet.

I don't remember ever seeing her wearing this expression, it is somewhere between shocked and embarrassed, her eyes are wide and a blush is creeping up her neck.

She has never looked more beautiful to me.

Her mouth opens and shuts without a sound, but her eyes beg me to tell her if I read it.

Suddenly I realize what that expression means.

She is scared.

In my head I hear her voice whispering the words I just read. "Sometimes all of this scares me so much that all I want to do is let myself fall into your arms again. I know that you would catch me, and hold me like that again."

Without thinking I rise from the couch and move towards her slowly. Her big blue eyes grow even bigger and look at me questioningly. With every step I make her body seems to tense, while her mind tries to figure out a way to escape the situation.

I walk faster, determined not to give her an easy way out this time.

My inner psychologist tells me she needs to talk about this. I certainly do.

Without saying a word, I wrap my arms around her and pull her close.

She doesn't move for a moment. Then she releases a ragged breath that I didn't realize she was holding and collapses against me. I pull her even closer as the first sobs wrack her small frame. Still not knowing what to say, I start stroking her back and rocking us back and forth slightly.

After she has quieted somewhat I lead her over to her couch and sit down beside her.

"Scully..." I begin, but she stops me with a tiny shake of her head.

But she doesn't say anything.

"Do you want me to go?" I whisper. Another shake of the head. I slip my arm around her shoulders and she leans into me.

"How much have you read?" she asked, sounding a bit frightened.

"Some of the last entry." I admit.

"You know you don't have to go through this alone." I say after a pause. "Scully, I want to be there for you. You know that I'd do anything to help you. Being there for you and comforting you is the least I can do after all you have done for me Scully."

She nods slightly and her watery eyes are silently thanking me.

"I'll make some tea." I offer. Again she nods and pulls her legs up to tuck them under her body.

I head for the kitchen and contemplate my next move. Scully tends to close up completely when she gets uncomfortable. I open my mouth to tell her, that I am glad, that she finally opened up to me. But my mouth closes again at the sight before me.

Scully is lying on her couch and looks like a sleeping angel.

Smiling, I stand in the doorway for a moment and watch her as her chest rises and falls. I walk over to the couch and scoop her up carefully. She mumbles something that I cannot understand but doesn't wake up.

Her warm body is no weight at all and before I know it, I am putting her down gently.

I pull the covers over her and can't keep myself from dropping a chaste kiss on her forehead. To my surprise a smile appears on her face.

"Mulder?" she mumbles sleepily as I turn to leave.

"Yes?" I whisper.

"You can read the rest if you want to." she whispers and goes back to sleep.


End file.
